I had pictured my last semester at EMU as an exceptionally boring one. Yes, it would have the excitement of impending graduation, but it wouldn’t be much different than the ones before it. That was what I pictured in January 2020 as I started my spring semester of junior year. 

We all know that this picture shattered along with everyone else’s expectations of this past year. My average day this semester consisted of interacting with more cats than people and staring at a variety of screens for most of the day. Instead of living near campus with friends, I live forty minutes away on a mountain that barely has cell service. 

Having all this time to myself, I started to question what self-care actually is. Sure, most of my professors reminded us every week to continue to practice self-care, but what did that mean for me? Taking too much time just for myself felt selfish. But that was the point. I needed to let myself be selfish. 

I’m not saying I hadn’t been selfish before; I had, but I needed to see that certain ways of being selfish are good for the mind and body. Growing up Mennonite, selfishness was always painted in a bad light. Even as I distanced myself from religion, I still held onto the belief that we always have to put others first. Ass this semester raged on, however, I couldn’t find ways to do that sustainably. I started to look down on myself for not reaching out to others and figuring out how to help. 

I wasn’t trying to help myself. I was only trying to reach out to other people to solve their problems. With no energy coming from self-care, I had no energy to help others. So I made myself be selfish. I let myself stay home if I really needed some alone time. I asked people for help if I needed it. I turned my Zoom camera off if I really didn’t want to be seen that day. I focused on my own problems and limitations. 

And when I was energized, I helped others out. My friends and I held each other to taking care of ourselves when we needed and checking in on each other when we could. It was the most we could ask of each other this semester, but it was just what we needed. Selfishness doesn’t have to be a bad thing; sometimes you have to help yourself before you can help others, especially with the year we’ve had.We have access to a great support system here at EMU, but that won’t always be the case. There will be times when the only person taking care of us is ourselves. So let yourself be selfish.