My name is Caleb Stoltzfus and I have recently come out as non-binary and started using he/they pronouns. I want to talk about how I came to the conclusion that I am not cisgender to help people understand what this is and to maybe help some people figure themselves out. He/they can mean different things for different people so this explanation is for me but is not an universal explanation for he/they. I am using he/they because admitting that I am non-binary is very new to me. Non-binary can mean different things to people depending on who you ask, but put simply it is not fighting into the normal gender norms of being male or female. I am using the pronouns he/they because I want to test out how they feel. I want to see how I like being referred to as they. So far I really like being referred to as they. It fills my heart with so much joy when I hear anyone refer to me as they. Now I am keeping the he for now because I know that pronouns can be confusing to some people and being referred to as he doesn’t hurt. For some people, being referred to by the wrong pronouns can make them feel gender dysphoria, or like they are not themselves, but I do not feel that when I am called he. I just feel more myself when I am called they. 

I have been coming to the conclusion that I am non-binary for a while now but it has been hard for me to admit it to myself. I am not going to lie to you by admitting that not fitting in with the normal gender norms is a very scary thing. The first time I started entertaining the idea outloud was this summer watching “Greys Anatomy” with a good friend of mine. There is a non-binary doctor named Kia and I said how they give me so much gender envy and how I wish I was them. My friend paused the show and said, “Caleb I think you have been coming to this conclusion for a while but I do not think you are cisgender.” Then me and my friend had a conversation about me exploring my gender identity. Then I decided on he/they pronouns and I have been slowly coming out to more and more people. It feels so good to be saying out loud that we are raised in a very hetronormative cisgendered society. So if you do not fit into those boxes it can be hard to figure out who the true you is. I have spent the last 22 years of my life trying to figure out what Caleb is and what the mask is that I made to fit into society. I still haven’t figured out who I am fully. I still am trying to find my style and what makes me feel like me. One thing that helps me a lot is walking around campus and people complimenting my style. It is very affirming that people see the true me and like the true me. This is a very scary thing to do but it is so much easier when you have a good support system around you. I realize that not everyone has a strong support system, but know that you are not alone. There are many people and resources on campus that you can reach out to. We have a QSA (Queer Student Alliance) that can provide community, and I will gladly help as much as I can as well. My email is caleb.stoltzfus@emu.edu.