One of the greater gifts of human interaction is the compliment. As noted in the Oxford Dictionary, a compliment is statement of “praise or admiration.” Praise and admiration sounds all good, but compliments can be a double-edged sword.
At their best, compliments can be a great thing. One study showed that compliments have the power to increase performance of certain activities. It has also been found that compliments can trigger the same neurological response one would have when receiving cash. This highlights the impact compliments can have, alluding to the power of a potentially harmful compliment. I cannot speak for others on the potential harms of compliments but I can offer anecdotes. Certain circumstances in the past have negatively impacted my perception of my weight, diet, and body. This has led to particular lifestyle changes that help me feel in control of these things. However, in doing so I developed excessive habits that could be perceived as “healthy” but have had negative repercussions.
In the United States, health and wellness are virtues. If you are able to maintain a strict diet, exercise regiment, and “healthy” — (read, “lean”) — physique, then you are often held up as exemplary. Thus, you are on the receiving end of compliments for things like weight, diet, fitness, and willpower. I have been on the receiving end of many of these types of compliments. Though well-meaning, these accolades have reinforced and perpetuated my damaging relationships with food, exercise, my body, and my weight.
Those delivering the compliments did not mean to hold me accountable, but I still felt the urge to persist in my dedication to these behaviors. Through these affirmations, my worth had become rooted in these parts of my life. In an unhealthy mindset, it is not easy to remove oneself from the full extent of the situation. Easing up on my attentiveness to things like my weight or diet could mean losing the chance to garner these compliments and the validation they brought. Thus, I felt obliged to continue living in this way, prolonging the praise from others and maintaining a vicious cycle.
Despite the adverse effects some compliments have had on me, I have also had many positive experiences with meaningful compliments, particularly when people have affirmed my skills, gifts, and dispositions. I might not have recognized these valuable characteristics without the guidance through these compliments.
It can be hard to appreciate innate gifts and talents without the recognition from others. At times of doubt, words of praise can fuel inspiration and motivation to pursue paths that seemed unreasonable. In times like college, where many of us are trying to discover who we are, compliments can reinforce value and confidence in important aspects of our lives that might go unnoticed otherwise. When we give compliments, we should be careful as to how we approach positive affirmations of certain things like appearance, weight, diet or other things susceptible to fluctuations. Instead we could direct our compliments toward the more permanent aspects of each other like favorable personality traits and innate gifts.
Compliments can yield great gain for both the giver and receiver. As givers, we can be careful and compassionate in how we word and direct compliments. As receivers, we can accept compliments with thanks, taking time to reflect and validating them to ourselves. At times when a compliment has good intentions but might carry negative consequences, we can accept it in the same way we might accept Great Aunt Bethany’s classic jello mold: with graciousness and recognizing the intention but politely moving it to the garbage disposal.
