They never tell you how it feels. They never tell you how it ends. You do not get to read the end of the story you live. You do not get a sneak peek into the seasons of your life. You live your life, and endure. You experience and you feel. You feel everything. All the sorrow, all the joy, all of everything in between.
They do not tell you what it is like to be in a place for a long time only to leave at the end of your time. How do you transition to college, and how do you leave? The experience is different for every single one of us. You do not leave the same as you came though, that is for sure. I am not the same person I was when I began my freshman year at Hesston College almost four years ago. I have met people, close friends, who have challenged and pushed me to be my best. Though many of us have gone our separate ways, I am connected to all of them. If I had to describe my collective college experience in one or two words, there are so many directions to go. But the one that comes to mind more and more often is cleansing balance. Let me explain.
Learning is why we continue our education. At least, it is why I went to college. I have learned about psychology, math, religion, art, theater, and history. My brain has been filled with information and learnings. I did not realize until recently that the most valuable thing I’ve learned is how to live with and love myself.
Acceptance was important. This year, I was diagnosed with epilepsy after having two grand mal seizures within the span of a single month. I had to adjust to life without a car, to life on medication, without which I would probably have had more seizures than the two that I experienced. I had to accept that I would be enduring this challenge along with the constant companion of clinical depression.
With acceptance comes a time of uncertainty. Where am I going? Will I survive on my own? But I think there is grace and beauty in uncertainty. It is in this time that we grow the most. It is in this time that we learn the most about who we are and what we want. And as I end my time in college, I lean into the peace of learning and the hope of a future that is uncertain.
