When I am bored on long car drives, I listen to books. Sometimes, an ordinary road trip turns into a transformative, thoughtful experience, even if it is a comedian’s memoir. In Amy Poehler’s book “Yes Please,” she talks about “the myth of nice girls.” She says this, which has had my head spinning ever since I read it: “I do not mean the, well, nice definition of nice, which is cordial, courteous and personable. I mean the kind of ‘nice’ that really means ‘pushover’ or ‘selfless to the point of martyrdom’ or ‘always willing to acquiesce to the requests of others, no matter how last-minute, unreasonable or inconvenient, for fear of people thinking you’re not nice.’” For the purposes of this article, when I say “nice,” I mean Poehler’s second definition.
When I read this section of the book, I felt the kind of rush that only happens when you hear something defined that you’ve never quite been able to place yourself. It perfectly encapsulates an idea that I have been aware of my whole life, at least to some extent, and something I have only recently reflected on in my own life.
Women are constantly, whether explicitly or not, taught to be “nice.” I know I feel the pressure to say yes constantly, or to go out of my way to make others happy. Sometimes that is just kindness, and it is great and feels good. But sometimes it’s because of the same divide that causes men to be seen as assertive and women as bossy or pushy. Stepping into leadership roles recently throughout college and even in high school, I have begun to sense this expectation so much more.
It breaks my heart to see the strong, intelligent women in my life stay silent or complacent for fear of not being seen as nice. There are so many better, more important things to be than nice or well-liked. I would so much rather be called strong. Or kind. Or intelligent. Or genuine. Or earnest, strong-willed, driven, hard-working, creative. I feel like this is important to hear for teenage and college-age girls. This myth is perpetuated, incessantly when girls are growing up. I’ve watched my friends acquiesce to the needs of boys without even realizing they are doing it. It’s ingrained in the framework of our society, but it can sometimes be so subtle that we miss it.
I’m not saying I condone meanness. I certainly don’t—that is why I bring in Poehler’s clarification. Quite frankly, I think that there are very few, if any reasons to be mean to another human. But the opposite of mean is not this kind of nice, as I think it may so often be mistaken for. Complacency and kindness are not interchangeable.
This idea is illustrated perfectly at my job at an after-school program, where I work with a lot of kids—ones who often like to break the rules. Time and time again, it had become clear that the best youth leaders (my position) are the ones who love the kids and show them patience and compassion daily. But they are also not “nice”—you will never hear the kids call them that. They are the strongest disciplinarians, but they are still the kids’ favorites. Being “nice” wouldn’t actually be nice. If we don’t help them to learn from their mistakes, if we don’t push them to be their best selves, then what are we there for?
Because of Amy Poehler and because of my experiences every day, I have begun to tune in a little more to “niceness” and to consciously shift my habits as well as the characteristics I place value in. It is my hope that at EMU and everywhere else, other women may start to as well.
