This homecoming weekend is hard for me because last year my grandmother and grandfather came down to visit me during homecoming weekend. A week later my grandfather got gout and was hospitalized then by the second week in December, he passed. Last year’s homecoming weekend was the last time I saw my grandfather and he up and about and not in a hospital bed. I am glad to be in DC this weekend so I do not have to be on campus for this homecoming because I am not sure if I would be able to do it. 

Trying to navigate how to move on from losing a loved one is not an easy thing and there is not a one-size-fits-all way to do it. I will be the first to admit that I am not the best at dealing with the loss of a loved one, but I figure talking about how I do might help some people. You need to be able to take space and time for yourself. At the same time it is important to not just isolate and bottle up your emotions. When my grandfather first died, I had a great group of friends that came around me and checked on me. One in particular would text me to check in on me, but not only that, she called a lot when he first died. She would call me and give me space to talk about it if I wanted to, but if not she would talk about her own life and try to distract me. Grief is not a road that you need to or should walk alone. Find people to help walk it with you and be there for you. 

One of the hardest things for me is letting go of the past and accepting that nothing you could have done would’ve changed anything. The last time I saw my grandfather alive was Thanksgiving. I was with him in the hospital for most of the break. When I left I was in a rush to get home to hangout with friends, so I stopped by the hospital for 10 minutes instead of the hours I had the past couple of days. I quickly said bye to him and then left. A few weeks later he died. For the longest time I hated myself for being “selfish” and not spending more time with him, but instead rushed back to be with friends. It took me a while to accept I had no idea that would be the last time I got to hug him. 

The biggest regret I hold with Pop-Pop Glenn that I am still working on letting go is that I never came out to him. Last fall I came out to my grandmother and she was accepting and we both agreed it would be best to wait to come out to pop till after he was out of the hospital. I was going to tell him over Christmas break but he died soon after I got back from EMU and I never got a chance to see him. I regret him never getting a chance to know the real true me. I knew that he would still love me but it would be a slight uphill battle for him to fully accept me. I was scared about that but now I would give anything for him to be yelling at me that no grandson of his will get his ears pierced. I am still working on some things clearly but with grief it is important to remember you will have good days and you will have bad days. Just because you have a bad day doesn’t mean that you have lost all of the progress you have made in your journey of grief.