I’ve been questioning why I’m in college. Why am I taking these classes? Why am I here? What is my ultimate goal? I’ve been asking myself why I spend thousands of dollars each semester to be emotionally distraught and fragile. When I came to college, every thought about myself, every expectation, and everything I thought I knew about myself dramatically shifted. The person I had always been– the intelligent, unshakeable optimist who had never not lived up to a challenge– was lost in a void of confusion, overwhelming circumstances, and a rapid spiral into depression. I didn’t recognize myself anymore, as the abilities I once possessed and the fortitude I showed constantly for the past twelve years disappeared seemingly out of nowhere. I had no idea what to do, and where I was headed; the fear, the anxiety and the deep sadness I felt were crushing, but I was also scared to recognize that I was feeling those things. I was completely lost but desperate to find my way, sure that I could. 

I took on college headfirst, maxing out my credit count and taking every class I could with the thought that I would excel, that I would have the life-changing and foundational experience that college had always been billed as. Instead, I saw my mental and physical state deteriorate, my relationships fall apart, and I become a shell of who I once was and who I thought I was going to become. I had no time– when I wasn’t in class, I was falling behind on schoolwork, staying up all night, getting sleep only when I physically could not go anymore, and passed out, feeling overwhelmingly guilty about it the next day. My weekends were consumed at work. I felt ashamed at my lack of success, embarrassed at my newfound condition of being shit at everything, even just being me. No one recognized me and no one knew how to help; I got good at saying I was okay, that it’ll get better once I get a grip on how to handle college and once I find my groove.  I still haven’t done any of that. 

Instead, I’ve realized that the facade of college, the idea of what must be done to achieve success and a fruitful career, just isn’t for me. I’ve become more lax, more comfortable taking my time on assignments, and spending more time on myself. I didn’t spend twelve years of my life to lose sight of the person I am. I went to college to become someone but failed to recognize that I already am someone, someone that I love but ultimately lost in transition. I don’t know if I’ll find that person again, but I’m not continuing the quest to become someone else. I’m slowing down, being more deliberate with my endeavors.

I recognize college isn’t just about what you want, it’s about challenging yourself and learning how to acclimate, how to take on greater responsibility and harder challenges, but I’ve spent too long abandoning myself to fulfill the college prototype. I’ve spent too long devoting my time to a system that lines the pockets of capitalism and leaves me emotionally destitute and worse off than when I came, which tells me how I can succeed while tying my hands behind my back. That’s not to say college hasn’t been beneficial to me. I’ve been given opportunities and the tools to follow through with many of my dreams. I’ve learned things that have become my new passions, things that have enabled me to have more confidence in myself and opened new paths in my future. But I’ve also learned that I’m tired of the filler. I’m tired of college feeling like high school. I’m tired of being told what is best for me, what system works. I’m not dropping out, but I’m not buying into a system that broke me.

 Instead, I’m taking what I’ve learned and following my passions. I’m taking the time to truly engage with myself on a deeper level, to become a better me, not a new me. I encourage all of you to do the same, to spend time on yourself, because ultimately it is you who is making it happen. It’s you who is coping with the effects, it’s you who’s going through this, it’s you who has to learn how to pick up the pieces when everything shatters. Spend time on your passions, your hobbies, your relationships. Love yourself and love the things you love. When you find something, stay with it, because what’s the point of going to college if the moments that truly inspire you are only fleeting?

I began writing this piece because I have two years’ worth of pain and emotion built up. I’ve seen myself and others lose themselves, and for what? To fulfill the requirements of a secular system? I’ve often found myself moody; I’ve wanted to scream, cry, punch something until my hand goes numb, and for the last two years I’ve been living in a haze, behind my own eyes and out of control of myself and my future. I’m tired of that. I know this reads like rambling, like unfiltered emotion induced by frustration, something that I just have to get off my chest, and then I’ll be okay, something to be read or said in therapy. But I don’t have therapy, I have writing and words, and to me, these words mean something and are the result of equal amounts of blind frustration and careful thought. They carry a truth that I hope I’m not the only one who feels.

 I wrote this piece both for hopeful affirmation of my own struggles and because I know deep down, I’m not the only one with this struggle, with these feelings. I wrote this piece to be heard and for others to know that they’re heard. I wrote this piece to expose my own vulnerability and dispositions with the hope that it impels others to do the same, to recognize that it’s okay to struggle and to be scared, to be unsure. Whoever reads this, I hope it finds you in a spot where you can benefit, that this piece can help you acknowledge yourself and your internal issues without being ashamed and that it can help you heal.