I’m almost always the one to interrupt awkward silences. There comes a point where I just can’t take it anymore; I’m too uncomfortable and often feel bad for a professor whose question is left unanswered. 

When I was younger, though – even just a few years ago – I could wait out a silence for what would seem like hours, mainly out of fear of speaking, and fear for others to hear me. But now, I find myself more willing to hear myself than to listen to the silences. This, fortunately, isn’t in all situations.

I don’t remember how I acquired this advice, but I remember it happening in early high school because it altered the way I acted with people in classes and meetings afterwards. As I continue to grow into various positions of leadership, which we all take on in some form, I find myself thinking back to this advice ‒ Nelson Mandela’s wisdom of being the last to speak. 

Although it’s true that quotes are misattributed all the time, I can believe that it’s true that when asked about his good leadership, Mandela attributed it to being the last to speak. Forming true team consensus requires everyone to fully understand each other’s perspectives, particularly the leader. The leader needs to be trusted by everyone in the group, so it’s necessary that they are intentional about listening. 

This isn’t easy; I catch myself being more eager to share my opinion or thoughts over listening to what the people around me are saying, especially when the topics are prone to causing high emotions. I think the first step to squashing this tendency is to be aware of it. Just doing that draws my attention back to what people are saying. 

That being said, anyone who knows me would probably be shocked that this piece of advice even existed in my brain. Still, I’ve found a lot of value in tuning into the silences existing between friends or groups. 

Silence comes and goes naturally in most settings if you’re listening for it. The weight of someone’s words or statement could be too heavy for anyone to speak – like everyone is taking a collective deep breath before delving back in. A different example would be someone sharing news that seems too good to be true, causing the group to hesitate or perhaps feel relief together. 

We only catch on to the small significance of these moments if we’re open to listening in the moment. We have to remind ourselves to be present and to repeatedly return to what the other is saying.