Kamala. Gasp! No buildup? No dramatic introduction? NOPE! It’s gonna be Kamalamania this November, and we might as well start preparing the confetti cannons now.
How can I be so sure? I’m not a poli-sci major (thank god!), I’m just some crank who spends too much time on Twitter. Why should you listen to me, of all people? … I don’t know. You probably shouldn’t–I’m not particularly well informed, but I *am* charming, which puts me ahead of both of our current political candidates, and most analyst talking heads you see on NBC. So, hey, what’ve you got to lose? Self respect? Pssh.
To heighten the stakes, and risk total embarrassment, I’m not just going to call the presidency—I’m calling each and every swing state! 100% accuracy, guaranteed. If I’m wrong, well, you can giggle at my expense come November. If I’m right, though, you owe me a Common Grounds drink. Ready? Let’s go.
Pennsylvania: I just want to take a moment and thank God almighty that Kamala did not pick Shapiro for VP—sure, had she chosen him, maybe there’d be a bit more security in a blue Pennsylvania (hereby titled Blennsylvania). But, I’m not worried. Biden himself polled relatively well in Pennsylvania just this year; despite the fact that he is a million years old and incapable of coherent speech. Now, with a fresh, spry (59 year old) face on the Democratic ballot, I struggle to imagine that the already-blue trends won’t hold, or even strengthen for the Dems. The fact that Democrats are beginning to do better with white voters (and worse with minority voters) also strengthens my belief in Blennsylvania–shine on, you crazy Mennonites!
Michigan, Wisconsin: Oh yeah. Blichigan and Blisconsin. White, socially liberal, cold: these are all words that describe the current state of The Democratic Party, and I have no doubt they’ll hold firm in the similarly-cold northern swing states. In all seriousness, though, the post-abortion-ban fervor from American voters seems particularly strong among Northerners, and considering that Trump and Vance’s waffling on the subject still remains unpopular with pretty much everyone (“states rights,” yeah right), I’m comfortable assuming that the Midwest goes blue. If anything, a purplish-red Wisconsin is possible, but I’m not worried.
Minnesota: See: Tim Walz. Go Gophers.
And boom! Democrats win. Isn’t the electoral college awesome? With just the blue wall and Pennsylvania, and assuming no Democratic strongholds flip (a red Virginia is laughable at this point), we’re pretty steadily heading towards a Kamala victory—but, hey, any old Joe Schmoe can predict that a bunch of cold white people will vote Democrat. What about the sun belt?
North Carolina: BLORTH BLAROLINA! That’s right. Kamala’s taking the Tar Heel State by a thin margin. Why? Well, the Democrats had already been chipping away at NC’s republican leanings, with 2020 marking the bluest the state has been in contemporary political history (barring the 2008 Obama campaign). And now, they’ve received a gift-wrapped vote-generator from the Republicans: the ever-hilarious governorship campaign of Mark “I am a Black Nazi” Robinson. If Robinson were capable being a normal, well-adjusted person for more than 5 seconds, I’d be far more hesitant to call it for Kamala, but the sheer idiocy of Robinson’s political inferno (the details of which are… graphic) makes me wonder if down-ballot voters will spare the state of a ridiculous Republican governor, and an even more ridiculous Republican President.
Georgia: Ohhhhh Bleorgia… My beloved. Seeing those votes trickle in during the 2020 election was like a warm blanket. Sadly, I don’t think that Kamala has the juice to win Georgia. Polling right now is not looking particularly optimistic for her, and with the general trends of the Democratic voter base, I struggle to imagine she’ll scrape together a victory here. Of course, Georgia has surprised us once before, so I won’t leave it off the table. But I wouldn’t bet too highly on it.
BLEXAS: Hahaha. Imagine. The Democrats are not winning Texas… HOWEVER, similar to NC, Texas was at its most blue in the 2020 Presidential election, with old sleepy Joe at the helm. With a new face on the Democratic ticket, *maybe* a purple-ish Texas is possible for the Dems, but I doubt it. It’s for the best, too–if Kamala actually won Texas, can you imagine the election deniers? It would be like a hotter, sweatier, even more pathetic January 6… Now that I say that, it would be pretty funny… I digress.
Arizona: Probably our flippiest state yet. I don’t really know which way Arizona will go in this election, and I’m not wholly sure it really matters all that much. Maybe if Kamala picked Mark Kelly we’d be more comfortable, but… C’mon, Mark Kelly? Booooo-ring. Walz 2028, baby.
Nevada: Another somewhat inconsequential tossup. I’m assuming that the trend from the last 4 elections will hold. Y’know, as I did the research for this piece, it really just struck me how much everyone loves Obama. The 2008 election was like… Blue Reagan. If it weren’t for the 22nd Amendment, I think Obama would just be our emperor at this point. Anyways, sorry. Blevada? Probably. Yawn.
And there we have it! When we lay it all out, it looks like THIS:
Read it and weep. If I were a gambling man, this is what I’d put my money on–with my only real areas of concern being Arizona and Georgia. Am I wrong? Never. Keep this map close, dear reader–after all, you’re going to owe me a Common Grounds drink next month.