Dear Wit & Wise, 

I am in need of desperate help! I am working with the group that is maintaining the goats in parkwoods, but lost my Student ID in their enclosure. When I went back to retrieve it, I watched a goat chew on the remaining pieces before swallowing it all up. Now not only am I locked out of my dorm and at the mercy of my roommate to let me in, but I also am worried about any reaction the goat may have to eating my ID. Can you please offer any advice you may have to keep me from getting chewed too? 

Signed, 

Goated by the Goats 

Dear Goat Feeder, 

Thank you for reaching out with your unique and somewhat chewed situation. It seems your student has met an unfortunate end in the jaws of a curious and hungry goat. Now, you are facing the double challenge of being locked out of your dorm and worrying about the goat’s digestive health. I have a small amount of expertise on goats, so lets go step by step on how to relieve your worries. 

First things first: your Student ID. You will want to have straight to the IT Department, which is in the lower level of the Sadie Hartzler Library. If you struggle to find it, look at a campus map or follow the signs around the library that say “get your ID here!”. When you get to the IT Department, you will be able to request a replacement. While they may raise an eyebrow at your story, they’ll be able to get you a new ID so the struggle of getting around campus or into the cafeteria will no longer be an issue. In the meantime, you may need to sweeten the deal with your roommate for letting you in all the time! 

Now, as for the goat. A quick internet search and some limited knowledge of goats lead me to ease your worries about the goat. Goats are notorious for chewing on anything within their reach, but you should still notify whoever oversees the herd. Although goats have impressively tough digestive systems, the caretaker should keep an eye on the little ID-eater, just to make sure that they are not experiencing any consequences of the event. 

As you move forward, assuming you will be allowed to continue assisting in the care of the goats, it may be a good idea to remove anything that may be edible—or in this case, chewable or loose—secure and outside of the closure. Your goat friends will not discriminate between their tasty plants and laminated cards. 

Wishing you the best as you navigate through the aftermath of this scenario and get back to your regularly scheduled activities. 

Sincerely, 

Wise. 

Dear Goat Feeder,

This is entirely your fault man. I can’t even excuse this. How? Did the goat also eat through your pants, get to your wallet, stop, take out your ID, and eat it? Were you waving it in front of it? I don’t think I can even excuse this, or offer you anything of note, you broke me, I am in tears. I thought I could give any advice, no matter the situation. My life and career is over.

Nah I’m just kidding. Regardless of how much I question your intelligence regarding letting a goat eat your ID, it is still clear you need my help. You’re in dire straits, how will you swipe into the caf, or buildings and classrooms that require your ID? There is only one thing to do.

You must summon a new ID. Yeah. You gotta. Once you lose your ID, you’re cooked. There is no way to get a new ID, it just simply does not exist. You must collect a blade of grass from the President’s lawn (Joe Biden or Susan), a diploma of a graduated student, a book from the library, and a bowl from the caf. Put all of these things into a bowl of soup (for the best results use any sort of clam chowder). Make sure to sprinkle it with Food Lion brand soul food seasoning. 

After everything is together, say the words “Please give me a new ID. I need it badly.” Wham. Bam. Shangalang. You got a new ID baby. You’re welcome, pay me (and Wise), and your problems will forever be gone. However, if you don’t pay us I’ll make your ID vanish yet again.

Best,

EMU Local Wizard