Hey! The new Taylor Swift album is out!!! Yippee! Yay! For all my “swifties” out there—don’t bother reading ahead! I hereby give The Tortured Poets Department 5/5 stars!!! An instant classic!…

… Are they gone? Whew. Okay, thank god. We can have an adult conversation now. Look, I’m not trying to be a chauvinistic elitist here—I’m glad that American women have found a pop star that they feel they can connect with, or find some sort of community within the fandom of. Really! I am! But guys… This is insane. This cultural obsession with Taylor Swift is borderline sociopathic. I mean, honestly; it feels like some of y’all are more parasocially bonded to this white billionaire than your own friends!  She’s dumped probably a million dinosaur’s worth of fossil fuels into the ozone with her private jets (jets plural!!!), and y’all are still bumping her music—music that, might I add, is awful! What gives? Do you just hate dinosaurs?

Why am I doing this? Do I want to understand? Do I want to fit into this millennial milieu? Maybe I want to torture myself, deep down. Regardless, without further ado, here’s my review of *every* track on Taylor’s new album. Please help me. 

Fortnight (feat. Post Malone)

This beat is really boring. I’m sure I will hear this song in every J.C. Penny I enter for the next 20 years. Is there a genre of music specifically for stuff you’d hear in a Walgreens? Walmart-core? It would sound like this song. Favorite lyric: “Move to Florida.”

The Tortured Poets Department

I, too, love to smoke and then eat seven bars of chocolate. Favorite lyric: “You smoked then ate seven bars of chocolate.”

My Boy Only Breaks His Favorite Toys

It’s all starting to blend together at this point. The audio production is going from awful to outright embarrassing; it feels like an artificial intelligence synthesized pure “inoffensive pop” vibes into a serum and injected it into my brain. I do not feel good. This song sounds like plastic. Favorite lyric: “Rivulets descend my plastic smile.”

Down Bad 

I like how this one opens, actually. For a brief moment, there’s a spark of something interesting. The sci-fi imagery here lends the song a bit of soul, and Taylor’s vocals here are their most dynamic yet, and mixed beautifully. She says the F word a lot, too, which gets points with me (It’s my list. I get to be as immature as I want.) Favorite lyric: “In a field in my same old town / That somehow seems so hollow now.”

So Long, London

Not bad! Not much else to say. I think, lyrically, this is the high-water mark for the album. Favorite lyric: “Two graves, one gun / You’ll find someone.”

But Daddy I Love Him

Aaaaannnd we’re back to the slog. Imagining this song being about Matty Healy made me giggle, though. Jokes aside, I hope some young girl out there who’s struggling with the expectations of her faith community finds comfort in this song, at the very least. Favorite lyric: “I just learned these people try to save you / ‘cause they hate you.”

Fresh Out The Slammer

What? “The Slammer”? Who are you, Yosimite Sam? Sorry, that’s not particularly kind… But really? Slammer? Has Taylor Swift even been to jail? Favorite lyric: None. Just say prison.

Florida!!! (feat. Florence + The Machine)

What is happening? This is the second mention of that god-forsaken swamp state. I do not want to go to Florida, Taylor, and you can’t convince me to. Florence and The Machine is always a win, though, so I’m content. Favorite lyric: “Florida!!! / Is one hell of a drug.”

Guilty as Sin? 

What is a “messy top lip kiss”? Am I kissing wrong? Or is Taylor Swift? Frankly, I thought the bottom lip was the focal point of most kissing. Either way, I’m unimpressed. Left with similar sentiments as I had for “But Daddy I Love Him,” I guess. Favorite lyric: “My boredom’s bone deep / This cage was once just fine.”

Who’s Afraid of Little Old Me?

I hate this song.

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can)

Thinking about Matty Heely and laughing again. Delirium is kicking in, but despite that, I think this is another high point; the somber acoustic guitar actually pairs nicely with the subdued synths underlying it, giving this song a sleek, ominous pallor. Not bad, kind of cliche. Favorite lyric: “”Lift a finger, I can fix him / No, really, I can.”

LOML

I’m so bored. This song is unbearably slow, and the production is, again, just killing me. It should be illegal to acronymize song titles. Favorite lyric: “Mr. Steal Your Girl, then make her cry.” 

I Can Do It With a Broken Heart

Lyrical low point. Musical high point. Genuinely an infantile song. Is that the appeal? Is the ultimate promise of Taylor Swift’s pop music an escape into eternal teenager-dom? Am I going insane? I’ve been listening to cheaply-rhymed run-on-sentences for what feels like hours now. Please let it be over soon.

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

… Thinking about Matty Heely and laughing really hard. Sorry. The big “swell” moment of this song falls unbearably flat. Oh, and she calls it “prison” in this song! Not “the slammer”! Hahah! Favorite lyric: “Prison.”

The Alchemy

I hate this one, too. Sorry. 

Clara Bow

The guitar is okay on this one. I can appreciate the introspective work that Swift is engaging in on this song. Did I mention the production is bad? I can’t remember. This is the final track, though! Favorite lyric: “This town is fake / But you’re the real thing.”

Well. Taylor Swift clearly is… “not my thing,” let’s say. But hey; at least I did my due diligence. I hope even you stowaway swifties can appreciate that… wait, what do you mean she… released an extended version?… with 31 songs?…. Oh no.