There’s a perception of college that I saw in TV shows and movies, or heard about in conversations with family members and friends that felt like objective truth. I came into college thinking that this would be the greatest time of my life, I would meet my future spouse, and I would know exactly what career I would be pursuing by the time I graduated. Pretty laughable. Except, it isn’t, not fully. Those expectations I had weren’t fully crushed, and I did have a good time in college, a great time, even. But despite all the great moments, there’s still a tint of dissatisfaction that colors my whole college experience.

So much of that is because of all that was lost because of the pandemic. I feel uncomfortable essentially complaining about my fortunate experience with COVID when so many people lost so much, but I’m also trying to be better about not comparing my pain to others, so I’ll be fully honest here: I’m grieving. In this time of celebration of my four years of college, I’m mourning lost choir concerts and sharing snacks in someone’s too-small dorm room. I’m mourning potential relationships that were cut short by social distancing and online classes and the motivation I had to finish things on time, which was holding on for dear life in the first place.

It’s hard to get out of that space, to stop imagining all that could have been. Pandemic or not, there will always be those what-ifs, and it doesn’t help to dwell on them. Because of the pandemic, I was able to understand myself so much better, my debt won’t be quite as high as it would’ve been, and I got to experience WCSC and fall in love with living in a city while creating most of my favorite memories of the last four years.

When I think back to 18-year-old Stephanie: a confused, optimistic, terrified person, wanting to cry out of excitement at every turn, I don’t know what to do. I feel like I let her down in a lot of ways, but there are still so many things she couldn’t have ever imagined for me. She had no clue who she really was, or the kind of things she was capable of. I’m still just as confused as she was and I still have no clue what I’m going to be doing for the rest of my life, but the difference is that now, I’m okay with that. My mistake coming into college was thinking that these four years would dictate the course of the rest of my life. For some people, that really is how it goes, but for most, that’s just way too much pressure. But hear this, humble reader: No matter how it all pans out, this is not the last big moment in your life. There is still more time. There will always be more time.